Real stories of a male stripper on tour.

A Newcomer to the Group

Between shows there’s a lot of free time, so boredom causes us to play pranks on one another.

We are on the road for the next six days, joining us is our new singer Steve. It’s very easy getting to know a person quite well in a very short period when spending so much time together. After only a single day we all discover that Steve, seems to be what we would call, “a bit of winer”, complain is all that he does. However, we have ways of dealing with such people!

The second day of the trip turns out to be where all the fun starts, no sooner after waking the next morning after what was a very busy show the night before, Steve awakes to tell us all, he’s got a sore throat, “Ahhhh”, we all say! We are all very keen on health foods and natural medicines and keen to introduce Steve to a whole new way of life, so, a few of us pop to the local health shop to get a hold of something to ease the discomfort before heading to the next show. Asking the lady in the shop for throat sweets she direct us to them, picking up a packet we all notice on another shelf a few other items so we buy them too.

Once back at the van we hand Steve a some of the medicine that was just purchased telling him to suck it until it dissolves. We’ll keep the rest safe in the locker box we tell him. The next day we ask Steve if he’s feeling better? “Not really”, he moans again. He says, my throat is the same and now I have a bad stomach. We hand him more of the natural medicine to help him along. The next day he’s still complaining of being unwell, bad throat and now also diarrhea! The rest of the lads decide to keep well away from him. Over the next day his condition deteriorates and so does our fondness towards him. You see, there is only so much complaining you can take from a person in such close proximity all the time, either they fit in, or they don’t, it’s as simple as that.

The illness and diarrhea continued gradually getting worse, looking quite pale and run down by the end of the tour we were all very happy to get home, especially Steve. Once back his condition cleared up almost over night, and he was keen to tell us all he was once again feeling great. We told him that the medicine must have finally done it’s work.

To let you all into a little secret that you might have guessed… the medicine we were feeding him for that sore throat, was infact a mild natural laxative! Don’t worry we didn’t overdose him, we fed him just enough to keep him on his toes. After all he’s not the first one we have done this to, we have had plenty of practise with whiners.

Van Crash

Another end to another long week and we had just finished packing our gear into the van all looking forward to getting home again, it can be quite a strain being on the road all the time, but the good times make up for it all. Phil decided that he was going to drive home from London, it’s about a 4 hour trip and good roads all the way so should have been quite pleasant. Note the word “should” in that last sentence!

Off we went while discussing our sexual achievements of the week, there’s never a dull moment! As time gets on and the clock hits about 2am one-by-one the lads jump into their bunks to get some sleep. I stayed up and sat with Phil at the front to keep him company while driving. A bit further down the road I asked if he’d like me to take over, he just frowned, said he was okay and suggested I get some sleep. Fair enough I thought, so I jumped into my bunk and realised just how tired I was, in moments I was fast asleep.

When you sleep in our van on the move you always hear various noises – even when you’re out cold – but for the most part you get used to it, after a while it even becomes comforting. However, you always recognise a new sound, something out of the ordinary, something that doesn’t seem quite normal, well I do anyway. I suppose I worry about nothing most of the time…

We were all nice and warm in our bunks when suddenly there was one almighty crashing noise followed by metal grinding, then came an impact that slowed the van down so quickly I was thrown forward out of my bed and through the bulkhead near my feet (my feet point forwards towards the driver). I woke up not knowing what the hell was going on, I was so petrified all I could do was scream and shout, picture it, a 6’2″, 16 stone guy hurtling forward in a van screaming like a maiden in distress! Not only was I screaming like a bitch but I continued to do so until the van came to a complete halt, at which point all I could see was white! I honestly thought I had died, why else would I be surrounded in white?

A few moments later I started to clamber out of the van while calling out to everyone; “Is there anyone there? Hello! Hello!”. I repeated the same thing again and again. I eventually managed to get to the van door and fall out in a heap on the floor. Looking up I saw all the lads already out standing right in-front of me looking down. They could not believe there eyes, they had found their way out just fine, and there I was screaming and shouting on my own, in the van. I can only put it down to being half asleep when it all happened. I got to my feet with the rest of the boys laughing at the way I’d handled the situation, what a fool I looked. The white smoke had been kicked up from the gravel as the van rubbed along the central reservation and dug in, and there I was thinking it was heaven!

As you have probably worked out Phil had fallen asleep at the wheel and collided with the motorway central reservation, the moral this story is to either take a break or don’t let somebody drive that suffers from Narcolepsy! Come to think of it who the hell would think to ask that question when taking on a new driver?

Ring of Fire

We all meet them, the tight arse that never pays for a thing and no matter what it is they always seem to get out of paying up. For many years our compare had always managed to avoid paying his share of things one way or another, but I had my own way of getting him back.

We’d arrived in Leeds to do the last show of the week having already done four so far, as you can imagine we were all worn out and looking forward to getting home for some well earned rest. The night before I knew that our compare had stolen my bottle of drinking water so I was determined to make him pay one way or another. Now before you say that it was just a bottle of water, when you come off of stage you are very hot and very dehydrated, I had a chilled bottle of water ready to drink as soon as I’d finished. Instead I had to make do with a warm one that hadn’t been in the fridge. Also it’s worth pointing out that this was the end of a long line of things that the compare had taken without asking, and to put it mildly I was getting irritated with it.

When we can we will always cook our own food to save on expenses. It was my turn to cook that night and I decided to do a chilli for everybody. We all sat down to eat with our compare being the only one not around, perfect. I tell the the lads it’s time for some payback! They all look at me with blank expressions not having a clue what I have in mind. So I told them about my shopping trip earlier that day to a Mexican food supplier who sold me “Naga Jolokia” peppers, they still all have blank expressions on their faces, so I tell them all about my purchase. For those of you that don’t know Naga Jolokia is considered the hottest chilli pepper in the world. There was plenty of food left in the pot for the compare so I proceeded to cut up a small amount of the chilli pepper and stir it .

In walks the compare; “Mmmm, that smells nice!”. I tell him to help himself, and being the greedy guy he is he takes all that was left in the pot without asking if anybody else would like more; not that we would have! We all continue eating while watching him dig into his chilli. “Fuck guys this is hot, is yours?”. “Yeah.”, we all reply, and tell him not to be a big baby and to eat up. We leave him with his chilli and start making our way into the club giggling amongst ourselves.

As we’re setting up for the show the compare walks into the club, by this point he isn’t looking that great, running eyes and complaining that he can’t breath! Anyway, on with the show. The next morning there is no sign of the compare anywhere, not in his bed, and not outside the van. Some time later as we are getting our gear together to leave the compare appears. “Fuck boys I had a terrible night.”, “Why’s that?”, we ask. “That food last night was the hottest I’ve ever eaten, my arse is on fire, I can hardly walk!”. “That’s odd”, we all reply, “we’re all fine.”. We never did tell him about the chilli, just one of those things that makes you chuckle to yourself now and then. Maybe one day… 😉

Go to Top